COMMUNICATION

MAKING EFFECTIVE “I” STATEMENTS
“EASIER SAID THAN DONE THAT IS FOR SURE!”

When trying to communicate with your partner a number one consideration if you wish to be heard is to use “I” statements. Easier said than done that is for sure.

There are some rules you could try making an effective “I” statements.

The rules for composing effective “I” statements are as follows:

Use appropriate force. Don’t undershoot. If you feel strongly, let your partner know it. Don’t overshoot with a volcanic eruption over a small irritation.

Include All your Feelings. Often feeling frightened, concerned or loving occurs along with angry, and/or disappointed.

Avoid “you” message in disguise. “I feel that you are stupid, lazy bum” is not an “I” message; it is more like a name-calling message.

Persist calmly if ignored.
Or decide with your partner for another time to mutually discuss this situation.

Switch to active listening. When you get an “I” message back try listening, without thinking up what you will say next, until you hear out your partner. You will notice that your partner feels heard when they have stopped talking and seem calmer. Listening is as good if not better than making sure you get said what you want to say. It sometimes soothes an angry situation so more problem solving can happen later.

Since you are modeling the kind of communication you would like this will lead to effective problem solving.

Adapted from: Messages: The communication skills book by Matthew Mckay, Martha Davis, & Patrick Fanning (1983).