Welcome back to the Therapy Spot, everyone! As we celebrate the beginning of spring in the northern hemisphere, I’d like to talk for a moment about beginnings. When we first start something new, such as a new job or enrolling in university, it can feel large and difficult. In fact, when I began this podcast 3 years ago, I felt discomfort and even some intimidation. I needed a little push from myself before I knew I could fly.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

“We can’t, we’re afraid!” they responded.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

“We can’t, We will fall!” they responded.

“Come to the edge,” he said.

And so they came.

And he pushed them.

And they flew.”

— Guillaume Apollinaire

Well, those beginning days are behind me now, but the purpose of this podcast has never changed. My goal from day 1 has been to bring you my knowledge and experience in this way of viewing ourselves known as Internal Family Systems or IFS.

Over the next few months, you can look forward to some fascinating interviews with IFS therapists about their specific interests:

  • Stress and anxiety
  • Sexuality
  • The interactions between our parts and our nervous system
  • And so much more!

So today, I want to give a brief overview of what IFS is and why it is so helpful to see yourself this way. I’ll also walk you through a question from a listener about IFS and Self compassion!

An IFS Overview

The IFS model of personality gives us a lens to view our internal life as a family of parts. These parts show up in different ways:

  • Feelings like sadness, anger, fear, joy, and happiness.
  • Thoughts like “I didn’t try hard enough” or “I should have known better.”
  • Impulses such as parking in front of Netflix until past your bedtime, or emotional eating.

You see, every single part inside of us has good intentions and wants us to feel better… even if the outcome isn’t always super.

According to the IFS model, we have 3 kinds of parts.

  • Managers. These planning, organizing, and striving parts get you out of bed in the morning, and keep you on a schedule.
  • Firefighters. These parts leap into action when you’re triggered by negative thoughts and feelings. Their goal is to make you feel better as quickly as possible… with little to no regard for the consequences.
  • Exiles. Usually formed from our childhood experiences, exiles hold our deep emotional pain. These are the parts that our firefighters want to protect, and our managers want to contain.

Of course, we’re so much more than just our parts! We also have a unified Self, which embodies qualities we all have:

  • Calm
  • Curiosity
  • Clarity
  • Compassion
  • Creativity
  • Connection
  • Courage

Can you see how you might apply these qualities towards your different parts? Your overworked managers might need some compassion: “I know that you’ve been working so hard to keep my life running smoothly.” Maybe you can bring some calm to your firefighters by taking deep breaths and saying, “I appreciate that you want to protect me, but I will be okay.” To truly understand your exiled parts, get curious and ask them where they came from, and what they are so afraid of.

It’s important to remember that these Self qualities aren’t fixed. You can cultivate more of them in your life! Better connection on the inside with your different parts leads to better connection on the outside with your loved ones. You can read more about this in my book, Inner Harmony: Putting YourSelf Back in Charge.

A Listener Asks Some Questions

Recently, I received a lovely email from a listener. I know that if one person has this question, it’s likely that many more people do, too! They wrote in to say:

Hello, I am doing IFS and just purchased Neff’s book on self compassion.

(Note: That’s Kristin Neff — see my review of her book here)

My “intellectual part” who likes to have everything worked out, would like to ask a question. Do you consider there to be any difference between the act of unblending and entering self ala IFS, and Neff’s exercises on self compassion? Knowing that both techniques are essentially doing the same thing will help me to integrate both IFS and compassion therapy together.

I was so excited to answer this question! This listener and I emailed back and forth a bit, discussing IFS, Self Compassion, mindfulness, and so much more. Listen along to hear my answer, as well as their follow-up questions.

Remember, if you have a question you’d like me to answer on the podcast, you can always email me at betterrelate@gmail.com.

Thank you for listening

I hope you have enjoyed your “spot” of therapy today on the Therapy Spot! Thank you for letting me into your life through this podcast. I encourage you to take what you heard today and use it to feel better connected to yourself, and to others.

I’ll be back next month with a brand new episode. See you then!

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