Welcome back to the Therapy Spot, everyone! On this week’s episode, I’d like to walk you through an exercise I did with two of my clients. The wife in this married couple had a lot of strong feelings surrounding an upcoming life change. Her husband struggled to show up with empathy, and instead tried to “problem solve” his wife’s bad feelings away.

Empathy connects us with others (and ourselves!) in a way that sympathy does not. Empathy, to quote Carl Rogers, is “an accurate understanding of (another’s) world as seen from (their) inside. To Sense (another person’s) world as if it were your own.” To feel empathy for someone else is to sit with them in their emotion, and to understand.

Problem solving is not empathy — it’s a response. Responding doesn’t always build connection. When you relate to someone, however, you build a connection. So join me today, and hear how this couple came to a place of natural empathy in their relationship.

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Hello and welcome back once more to the Therapy Spot, everyone! This week, I interviewed Matt Pappas, Certified Life Coach, author, blogger, and podcaster. He specializes in coaching for survivors of trauma, and those dealing with anxiety. He works with clients both remotely, and locally for those in the Central Pennsylvania area.

Matt’s journey began from a very personal place. A survivor himself, he started Surviving My Past as a way to navigate his own recovery. Since then, the blog has evolved into a full-blown advocacy website featuring many different voices. During our time together, we discussed how anxiety manifests itself in trauma recovery, as well as tips and strategies for overcoming anxiety. I hope as you listen along, you can find ways to use Matt’s insights in your own life!

The Effects of Trauma

In IFS we often say that some of our most vulnerable parts, our exiles, come from experiences in our childhood. In previous podcasts, I’ve spoken about little-t trauma as well as big-T Trauma. Many of us experienced childhood trauma, although we may not realize it until much, much later. Matt himself did not begin to address his trauma until thirty years after the fact. So remember: it’s never too late to heal!

Why is it so important to do this healing work? Essentially, the effects of childhood trauma can reach into many different facets of our lives. Childhood trauma can affect your:

• Self esteem
• Relationships
• Career
• Cognitive abilities
• Eating habits

The experiences of our childhood can ripple forwards into our current lives. Trauma (especially in childhood) physically changes the brain. As a result, for many trauma survivors, anxiety plays a large role in their day to day lives. But just as it’s never too late to heal, you’re not doomed to a lifetime of anxious reactions. As Matt says, “Anxiety is a learned response. And if you can learn it, you can unlearn it.”

Putting In the Work

When they start coaching or therapy, it’s not uncommon for people to wonder, How long is this going to take? How long, in other words, until they’ll feel better, or happier, or more at peace? During our conversation, Matt emphasized the idea of not looking too far ahead in the recovery process. “Everybody’s healing journey is different. You get out of it what you put into it.”

Whatever course your healing journey takes, however it looks, it’s important to embrace the process. “What it comes down to is, how badly do you want to heal? How badly do you want to change the way that you’ve been feeling?”

The healing journey for Matt was one of discovery and inspiration. For him, it felt like putting together puzzle pieces and finally realizing how everything connected. “Now that I have the tools and I have the information, I can work on changing things.”

“Ultimately, you know, healing is a lifelong journey. You need to embrace the concept of life after trauma. The next step is the one that’s right in front of you.”

Finding A Support Network

It’s important to be kind to yourself during your healing journey, especially when anxiety makes an appearance. Anxiety is relentless — it never takes a break. Not only that, but most of the things anxiety tries to tell you never end up happening. Anxiety tells you lies to try to keep you:

• Stuck. “This is the way I am, this is how I’ll always react.”
• Miserable. “I’m doomed to repeat everything that’s happened to me.”
• Isolated. “I can’t talk to anyone about this, because they won’t understand.”

Matt’s advice here? “Surround yourself with safe people.” If you don’t have these people directly in your life, you’re not out of luck. At the beginning of his healing journey, Matt felt the same way. From parents to coworkers to friends, nobody felt “right” to talk to. Those of you in a similar position can do what Matt did: find your people online.

From Facebook groups to Twitter threads and hash tags, to forums and blogs, you have so many ways to find your people. People who will understand, and won’t judge, and will accept you and listen. No matter what happened to you and how it has affected you, you are not alone.

Resources for Trauma Survivors

I’d like to thank Matt once again for joining me on the Therapy Spot to share his insights and experiences. Are you a trauma survivor? I encourage you to listen to his podcast, read his blog, and reach out to your support network. You can also check out some of Matt’s free downloads for grief and anxiety.

If you need guidance in meeting a strong part of you, you can check out my free guided meditation here.

Thank you so much for reading and listening today.

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 Image Credit

“Little Flower” by Flicker user Pat David, licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Hello everyone, and welcome back once more to the Therapy Spot! On this week’s episode, I spoke with Kari Joys, MS. She is the director of the Center for Creative Change in Spokane, Washington. Kari is a well sought after Counselor and Psychotherapist, a skilled group facilitator, and a powerful energy therapist. Over the years, she has helped thousands of people move on from a difficult past to achieve happy, fulfilling lives.

What I recognize in Kari is her excitement and passion to give back to others what she has learned and experienced. I can plainly see her commitment to giving back to others, just from how she lives her life. With her education and life experiences, Kari leads the way for all of us to have a more joyful and Self led life. Listen in and get just what you need today to go out and create that life you want and can have.

Joy and Happiness

As valedictorian of her high school graduating class, Kari spoke to her classmates about happiness. Though she spoke eloquently, and cited many philosophers and writers in her speech, she came away from the experience pondering a large question. “I wondered… is anyone really happy? Or was everyone faking it, like I was?”

While Kari didn’t realize it then, she had asked herself the question that would shape her path in life. With that in mind, I’d like to make the distinction, now, between joy and happiness. The two are similar, but have an important difference.

Happiness is it is dependent on a situation or event. You might feel happiness when you:

• Graduate from a school or program
• Make plans with close friends
• Purchase a new car
• Successfully complete a project

All of these things are external. They’re also temporary. The happiness you feel, like all emotions, will eventually pass.

Joy, on the other hand, is an ongoing feeling of peace, and laughter, and love. This inner feeling does not depend on outside circumstances. It’s with you all of the time, even when you go through hard times. We can feel joy on an ongoing basis.

Sounds a lot like Self energy, doesn’t it? While many people do not realize it, we are all of us capable of joy. Just like Self energy, however, joy can be blocked.

Joy and Emotional Pain

Over the course of our lives, we may become hardened or angry from our negative experiences. When we carry those feelings, they get in the way of our joy. When you’re angry or pessimistic, there’s very little room for joy. Learning to express and release your emotions will naturally bring you back to joy.

Getting in touch with your feelings can be difficult. Many of us were told as children that our feelings weren’t important, or that we were weak for feeling sad. By the time we reach adulthood, we might worry, “If I express my sadness, I might cry forever.”

Expressing your feelings is the key to finding joy in life. This is an ongoing process, where you continually express your emotions. When you express your emotions, you can release them. You must be willing to process and work through emotions and emotional pain. You can do this in a variety of ways:

• Express your feelings in your journal
• Share your feelings with a friend
• DIscuss these feelings in therapy

As Kari spoke about these things, she held her hand over her heart. I love that she instinctively stayed with herself in that moment, even just discussing the idea of processing emotions!

3 Steps to Get Closer to Joy

Kari closes by sharing 3 steps to get you on the road to joy. Here’s how to start bringing more joy into your life:

1. Love for yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror. Specifically, look into your eyes. Say, “I know better than anyone what you have been through. I know better than anyone what you are capable of.”
2. Love for others. The more love you give, the more love you have!
3. Gratitude. Whether it’s the simple gratitude of waking up in a warm bed, or having a healthy body, take time first thing in the morning to notice and appreciate the good things in your life.

Never forget that joy is an ongoing feeling, but like everything else, it takes practice.

Joy, Love, and Laughter

There’s so much more in the podcast itself, and I hope you take the time to listen. Kari touches on the link between joy and spirituality, as well as our ability to heal the wounds of the past. We share a lot of warmth, light, and laughter together. If you enjoy listening to what Kari has to say, I encourage you to follow her on Twitter. After all — it’s where she and I first connected!

Thank you to all of you out there listening, and supporting me via Patreon. I hope that what you hear on this podcast helps you to feel better in yourself in better with others.

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Image Credit

Featured photo “Joy” by Flickr user Ken Brown, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Therapy Spot! I recently attended a professional training on working with couples, where I ran into Toni Herbine-Blank. Toni has operated a private practice for over 20 years, counseling both couples and individuals. Along with Donna M. Kerpelman and Martha Sweezy, she co-authored a book about her curriculum, Intimacy from the Inside Out: Courage and Compassion in Couple Therapy. She also appeared as a guest on my podcast back in 2015!

I don’t know about you, but 2015 certainly feels like a long time ago to me! My audience has grown a lot since then. Not all of you had the opportunity to hear this podcast the first time around. That’s only one of the reasons I decided to reissue it.

This podcast is for anyone who wants to:

• Change their perspective on things
• Bring curiosity to their relationship
• Have courageous conversations where they can:
  • Be themselves
  • Stand up for themselves
  • And still be loved by their partner

Toni has a lot of insights and ideas to share with couples. Listen in, and see how you can apply her words of wisdom in your own life!

Self Compassion From the Inside Out

I knew I needed to reissue this podcast during #theYearofSelfCompassion. Why? Simple! The first step to having intimacy from the inside out is to love and accept yourself.

In our romantic partnerships, many of us feel like we can’t be ourselves and still be loved and accepted by others.  In Toni’s own words: “Loving all of who you are makes it much easier to love all of who your partner is.”

When you love yourself, you can learn to embrace the differences in your partner. Loving and accepting yourself begins with Self Compassion. Channel your inner mentor to speak to you in a caring, accepting way. Fire up your Self Compassion playlist. Place your hand over your heart. Recite your Self Compassion mantra.

Intimacy From the Inside Out

That covers the “inside.” Now let’s talk about the “out.” Conflict happens in relationships: it’s unavoidable. Hurting your partner, however, is something you can avoid. How can you have difficult conversations with your partner, without hurting them?

During conflict, when your partner feels upset or angry, this might be difficult. Get on the same page. Start with your own reaction, then become curious towards your partner.

Look at your own process in the fight. The how of the fight matters so much more important than who did what.

So, how can you learn to speak your truth without hurting your partner? Pretend you’re married to someone who leaves the dishes soaking in the sink overnight. You, of course, just so happen to hate it when people leave dishes in the sink.

Your first instinct might be to ask, “Why do you leave your dishes in the sink overnight?” Instead, get curious about the situation. Ask yourself, “Why do I get so upset about having dishes in the sink?”

Notice the difference? The first question points outward. It puts the focus and, whether intentionally or not, the blame on your partner.

The second question, on the other hand, points inward. Suddenly, the dirty dishes aren’t happening to you, or at you. Instead, you use the dirty dishes as a trigger for Self-exploration!

4 Steps to Shift Your Perspective

I want you to notice what you and your partner each bring to the relationship. What works? What doesn’t work? Bring curiosity to this conversation, not judgement.

Not sure how to get started? Here are Toni’s 4 steps to begin on the path to more courage, more compassion, and more connection.

1. Unblend from your strong emotions. Notice your different parts. You can choose your response, not be your reaction.
2. Stay connected. First, stay connected to yourself, and stay mindful of your feelings. Then, stay connected to your partner. Yes, you can do these at the same time! Here’s your mantra: I can love myself and be loved by you.
3. Change your conversation. Speak to yourself, and to your partner, as you would to a dear friend.
4. Notice the pattern. In long term relationships, our conversations follow patterns. Don’t like the pattern? Make a different choice. Step out of the dance of your relationship, and choose a new one!

I encourage you to try my guided meditation to help you with these steps.

Feeling Better From the Inside Out

You and your partner deserve to feel good in your relationship. When you have a better relationship with yourself, you’ll have a better relationship with your partner, too. Thank you so much for listening today, and thank you also to Toni Herbine-Blank!

Need more Self Compassion resources? Head over to my Patreon page! For only $1 per month, you’ll get access to exclusive content. I want everyone to participate in #theYearofSelfCompassion!

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Image Credit

“Couple!” by Flickr user Harsha K R, licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Therapy Spot. This week, to continue #theYearofSelfCompassion, I’d like to talk about something called the “inner care circuit.” Every single one of you has this circuit, even though we may not know how to use it. Our inner care circuit can eliminate emotional pain at its roots — and help us to feel better now.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong.”

-Mahatma Gandhi

As Tim Desmond describes in his Self-Compassion Skills Workbook, emotional pain comes from a lack of Self Compassion. On this podcast, I’ll explore what happens when we add Self Compassion to emotional pain.

This is Your Brain On Self Compassion

In the book Unlocking the Emotional Brain, authors Bruce Ecker, Robin Ticic, and Laurel Hulley explain the science behind eliminating emotional pain.

When we meet our painful emotions with acceptance — rather than avoidance — we don’t just change our brains. We change our lives. At the same time, we activate a neurological network that kick starts feelings of Self Compassion. Neuroscientists call this “memory reconsolidation.”

How does memory consolidation occur? When you experience emotional pain followed by care and Self Compassion, you create a new association. That gives you emotional healing.

Painful Emotions + Care and Self Compassion = emotional healing

In one health and disease study of 1,400 adults, researchers examined the interaction of mental health and the act of forgiveness. They studied three types of forgiveness:

• Forgiving others
• Forgiving oneself
• Feeling forgiven by God

The researchers found that forgiving oneself predicted lower odds of depression among men. Also, in all cases, the act of forgiveness predicted lower odds of developing major depression among women. (Loren Toussant et al. 2015)

If you’re struggling with emotional pain and you want to feel better now, forgiveness is key.

Emotional Pain and the Great Cover Up

We’ve all been there: eventually, the anger, or the sadness, or the helplessness hits too hard. It’s too much. That’s when we look for something to take the feelings away, or at the very least, cover them up.

We all have our favorite go-to cover ups. Some of them are positive, others are negative. Note: by “positive,” I mean socially acceptable ways not to know how bad you feel. Both positive and negative cover ups lead to the same place for you.

What are some common cover ups?

Negative cover ups:

• Drinking or using other mind altering substances
• Overeating
• Compulsively shopping
• Gaming or internet surfing
• Pornography

“Positive” cover ups:

• Sleeping
  • Note: this can be positive or negative. On the positive side, more sleep can tip you to a better place, mentally and physically. On the negative side, however, we often sleep to avoid our feelings and situation.
• Working
• Exercising
• Denial

I used denial as a cover up for most of my life, only I didn’t think of it as denial. To put it more positively, I was an extreme optimist. I reframed difficult situations in such a way that I didn’t have to confront my emotional pain.

While these behaviors aren’t necessarily bad on their own, it’s the intention behind them that makes them cover ups. All of these actions serve the same function. You abandon yourself by deadening your emotional pain to feel better.

Feel Better Now: 3 Steps to Activating Self Compassion

These 3 steps will activate your compassionate response. Consider them your antidote to your negative emotions.

Step 1: Notice. (As I always say!) Stop. Pause. Notice. Be mindful of your situation, and how you’re reacting to it. What parts are feeling? What parts are reacting?

Your might feel the urge to cover up. Ask that part of you, the cover up part, to step back. Ask it to slow down, and wait. Tell it: “I want to see. I can bear it. I can be with it.”

Kristen Neff’s research demonstrated that putting your hand over your heart will activate your care system neurologically.

Put your hand over your heart. Stop and be with yourself. Breathe to anchor yourself, and meet your sad emotions.

Step 2: Mindful acceptance. With your hand still over your heart, make this your inner dialogue. “I see you in your pain. It’s so hard for you right now. I am with you. Your pain makes sense. I am so sorry.”

When you witness yourself in this pain, you connect on the inside with your caring Self. You show that you accept yourself, all of you, even when you show up sad or scared. This care and these words are accepting you,

Step 3: Reframe. Use encouragement and positively reframe the situation. Hold in your mind an image of a loving parent who nurtures a scared, sad child.

Note: reframing immediately, like I used to do, is denial. Reframing after you have activated your inner care circuit allows you to acknowledge the negative feelings, rather than cover them up.

Find It. Activate It. Strengthen It.

As human beings, we are more alike than different. The research on compassion shows us that we were all born with an inner care circuit. This circuit is neurological.  We can find it, activate it, and strengthen it. When we do that, we can regulate our emotions — even the negative ones.

You’ve heard on my podcast before, from myself as well as Martha Sweezy, that Self Compassion is the antidote to shame. It is also the antidote to the emotional pain that comes along with negative events in our lives.

This antidote is inside of you now. You already have it, and you have always had it. You simply need to include yourself in the circle of compassion that you already extend to other people.

Thank you so much for joining me today.

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Image Credit

“FORGIVE YOURSELF” by Flickr user miguel, licensed under CC BY-SA 2.0.

Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Therapy Spot! My long time friend and colleague Susan Reyland joined me once more to discuss the nature of emotions. Susan is a clinical and developmental psychologist who works in Denver, Colorado.

On her previous visits to my podcast, Susan shared her knowledge on a variety of subjects.

• Child development and parenting
• Resilience
• Productive discomfort
• Saying no

Today, we’re going to talk about the ways we experience our emotions, and how to navigate them. Listen in!

Your Snaggable Brain

Emotions play a significant role in all of our lives, for all of our lives. The more you learn about your emotions, the better off you’ll be. When you know more about your emotions, you can use the information to:

• Regulate your thoughts
• Manage your behaviors
• Feel better in your life

So what are emotions, really? Simply put, emotions are your brain’s reaction to information from the physical environment. Susan refers to these reactions as the brain getting “snagged.” For example, let’s say you’re out shopping at the grocery store. You turn down an aisle and see an adorable baby sitting in a cart. This visual information in the environment “snags” your brain.

Suddenly, you’re flooded with dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin. You smile, and feel warmth and happiness. You reach over to your friend to point out the cute baby, because humans are social creatures. We like sharing these positive emotional experiences.

Your Emotional Continuum

Think of your emotions as falling somewhere on a line. At one end of the line, you have the most positive feelings: extreme joy, or intense love. Meanwhile, at the other end of that line, you have the negative emotions: grief and despair.

Now, on the middle of that line, you’ll find calm. We spend most of our time in that neutral, middle space. Nothing snags our brains. I’m sure you’ve had the experience of someone asking “How are you?” and you responded, almost without thinking, “I’m fine.” That’s because you’re in the neutral space.

When you get “snagged,” you get pulled along in the line, in a positive or negative direction. Your brain was built to be “snagged.” Otherwise, you wouldn’t respond to your environment, and you might overlook a threat (or miss an opportunity).

Your Emotions as Waves

Let’s return to our imaginary grocery store trip. You smile at the cute baby, and feel a wave of happiness when the baby smiles and laughs. I call it a “wave” because our emotions rise up, hit a peak, and then move downwards.

These waves can be positive (the baby) or negative (say, your favorite hot sauce is out of stock). They can also be large or small, which determines how long the emotion will last. The size of the wave also determines how intensely you feel it. For instance, you probably won’t plunge into weeks of despair just because you couldn’t buy your hot sauce.

Remember: no wave lasts forever. This goes for positive emotions as well as negative ones! Even people who win the lottery only feel amazing for a period of time. Alternatively, if you’ve suffered a loss, you will not grieve forever. Over time, the waves of grief will come up less, and be shorter and shorter as time goes on. I’m sure you’re familiar with the old saying: “this, too, shall pass.”

Riding the Waves of Emotions

A lot of clients struggling with grief or depression want to know, “How long am I going to feel this way?” Unfortunately, no one can tell you that for sure. What we can say with certainty is that you will feel better. One day, you will notice the waves come farther and farther apart, and they are not as high.

Remind yourself: “This emotion is a wave, and I will ride it until it changes.” Because it will change. In the meantime, as you ride this wave, don’t make any huge changes in your life. Don’t let grief or depression dictate big life decisions. Wait until you can return to the neutral place. Yes, this applies to positive emotions as well! Have you ever caught yourself daydreaming about wedding bells after a romantic first date?

To ride the waves, you need to practice something called “response prevention.”In Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder, people experience tsunami-like waves of anxiety. These folks are experts in response prevention. Take a page from their treatment playbook. Understand that your emotion is a wave, and don’t act until the wave has passed. Create a list of things to do to take your mind off of the wave:

• Call a friend
• Read a book
• Play a game

Be kind to yourself until the wave passes.

“An Image of You, Happy and Free”

I’d like to close with one of Susan’s stories.

“In one of my training experiences, I was very depressed. A good friend of mine said something wonderful to me during this time. She said, ‘I am going to hold an image of you as happy and free in my mind until you can get there. Because I know you will get there.’ She was reminding me that this was a wave — a long and high wave, but still a wave. She was reminding me that I would ride it out, and be able to move along the continuum towards positive emotions.”

For all of you riding the waves of your emotions, I encourage you to continue practicing Self-Compassion. How else can you support yourself in your journey?

Thank you so much for joining me again this week. Until next time!

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Image Credit

“Surfer” by Flickr user j.lau88, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Hello everyone, and welcome back once more to the Therapy Spot. The beginning of the new year is always a time of reflection for me.  As I reflect, I’ve found myself asking: How can it already be 2018? The years seem to come and go almost as quickly as the days and weeks.

That means it’s more important than ever to slow down — hit pause — reflect. Since 2018 is the Year of Self Compassion, I want to talk about slowing down. How do you do it, and what does it do for you? Let’s find out.

Curating Your Self Compassion Playlist

Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to remember the traumatic and dramatic moments of our lives? Let’s try something new. I want you to focus instead on moments of contentment and ease. Moments where you felt calm and positive. All too often, those moments slide right out of our memories. Let’s preserve them by creating a “Self Compassion Playlist.” You can think of it as your “Greatest Hits.”

Whenever you catch yourself in a moment of contentment, write down what you are doing. Create a list of these positives and happy places in your phone. (You might also consider using Pinterest, if you’re more of a visual person!) Review it when you want to feel good or self-soothe.

For example:

• Walking in the sunshine
• Listening to music from your college years and singing out loud
• Trying a new vegetarian restaurant
• Planning your next travel adventure

When dark emotions strike, or life gets hard, we need some positivity to show up in our lives. That’s where the Self Compassion playlist comes in! Let it serve as your “to-do” list when you need some TLC (tender loving care).

My Self Compassion Journey

I certainly could have used my own Self Compassion playlist on my most recent trip back to Sweden. Now, I’ve made this journey almost more times than I can count. Believe me when I say that I have a whole method down to almost a science! But even though I have the structure down, I forgot about the emotional aspect of this journey.

Five days after my long journey, I noticed my sad emotions. I knew I needed some TLC.

You see, when I make this big transition, I put my manager parts to work. My planning part plans out the whole first week back. My organizer part knows exactly when I need to go to sleep and wake up to adjust to the new time zone.

Inside me, it looks like a movie set: a whole team of manager parts getting everything into place for the first shoot. After the first week back, my manager parts all high-fived each other, celebrating and laughing. We did it! Perfect! Ten out of ten!

You know what comes next, don’t you?

Burnout. With exhausted manager parts, emotional parts of me became more visible. That’s how I knew it was time for me to practice a Self Compassion meditation. The next morning, I spent time connecting with the emotions I had ignored.

I found deep sadness and grief for what I had left behind. I had hidden these emotions from everyone — even myself.

Better Inside and Out

When I sat quietly and sent myself compassion, I got better connected with what was happening inside of me. After all, those things influenced how I showed up.

How do you show up in the world when you feel deep sadness and grief? Many of us show up more brittle, and more critical than we would normally. That’s certainly how I showed up as my week went on and I grew more and more exhausted.

By practicing Self Compassion, I could relax and feel the sadness and loss of saying goodbye and moving on.  As I sat quietly, I felt and welcomed my sadness. Then, having been welcomed, I felt the sadness move through me — leaving me more loving, less critical, less brittle.

This made me happy because I want to show up as loving as possible in my life. I want that for you, too! I want you to find a way to show up less brittle, less negative, and less critical in your lives.

Self Compassion Is Timeless

Self Compassion is a timeless practice. Guess what the Buddha was quoted as saying around 2600 years ago?

“You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.”

From Kristen Neff to Richard Schwartz, Christoper K. Germer to Jay Earley, modern therapists and researchers agree. We all need to practice Self Compassion. All of their books I have linked to, as well as my own, can help you get started on the path to Self Compassion through IFS.

This week, I end my podcast with a Self Compassion meditation for you. Through this practice, you will gain awareness of the reservoir of natural compassion that flows within you. I plan to practice this meditation every day this month. I hope you will do the same.

With daily practice, the experience will change throughout the month, giving you something different every time. Please, check in with me in the near future and tell me your experiences! After all, I can learn from you just as you have (hopefully) learned from me.

You can email me at betterrelate@gmail.com or, if you prefer, message me through the Better Relating page on Facebook.

I am so glad we’ve taken the first step on our journey together. Use your Self Compassion playlist and practice your daily meditation. Remember: “We don’t have to try harder. We need to try softer.”

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Image Credit

“Redphones” by Flickr user Garry Knight, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Happy New Year, everyone, and welcome back to the Therapy Spot! This week, I spoke about compassion with my friend and colleague Susan Mason. With over 25 years of counseling experience, Susan works as a Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW) in the State of Illinois. As a certified IFS therapist, she uses these principles directly in her work with individuals and couples.

“I feel very lucky to have found work that is meaningful to me and helpful to others. It is truly an honor to sit with my clients and know that they trust me with the details of their life. I consider our work together sacred work and deeply love spending time with everyone who I get to meet in this way. Nothing is more gratifying to me than helping my clients as I listen with compassion and no judgment. ”

I want to make 2018 the “year of Self Compassion.” I couldn’t think of a better way to get started than by sharing my conversation with Susan with all of you! Listen along as we discuss how to practice Self compassion.

3 Components of Self Compassion

Compassion means, essentially, “to suffer together.” When you feel compassion towards someone, you feel the negative emotion they feel, and want to help relieve their suffering.

When we practice Self compassion, we treat ourselves the way we treat our friends. This is an active response to our own concerns, worries, and negative emotions. Interestingly enough, brain science has shown that we find it easier to find compassion for others than for ourselves!

According to Self-compassion researcher Dr. Kristin Neff, Self-compassion has 3 components. All of these components involve actively choosing one response or approach over another one. Many of us need to learn to treat ourselves kindly. Don’t feel bad if you’re still learning!

Choice #1: Self-kindness vs. judgment. Do you have a loud inner critic? Sometimes, our Self-talk can be hurtful. It might sound like:

• Of course I messed up.
• How stupid can I get?
• I don’t know why I bothered.

Recognize that hurtful Self-talk. Instead, offer yourself comfort in the form of kind words.

• I’m still learning, and that’s okay.
• Next time, I know what not to do.
• I can be patient and kind with myself.

Choice #2: common humanity vs. isolation. “Common humanity,” in this context, means accepting that we are vulnerable and imperfect. It’s normal for things to go imperfectly in our lives!

Unfortunately, many of us practice isolation, hoping that will “protect” us from making mistakes or feeling bad. Of course, those things happen anyways, because they’re a normal part of life. Then, we feel worse — and isolate ourselves even more.

Don’t be afraid to share your troubles and failures. These things are normal, and everyone deals with them. Sharing your experience might even help someone else feel less alone.

Choice #3: mindfulness vs over-identification. Mindfulness allows us to be non-judgmental and have an open state of mind. In IFS, mindfulness is a gift from the Self when we unblend from our parts.

3 Ways to Self-Soothe

Sometimes, when something bad happens, it feels almost impossible to break free from our negative thoughts and feelings. We might even blame ourselves. This is what it means to be blended with those negative thoughts.

You might struggle to think Self-compassionately when this happens. Luckily, Susan has some suggestions to help. These 3 physical acts release oxytocin, otherwise known as the “bonding hormone” or “trust molecule.” Oxytocin modulates fear and anxiety, and increases empathy and trust. With more oxytocin in your system, you’ll feel better physically, and more capable of doing the mental work of Self-compassion.

Step one: physical warmth. Some studies have shown that isolated people tend to take longer, hotter showers than people who don’t feel lonely. Physical warmth can provide us with a sense of emotional warmth. Cuddle under a warm blanket or hold a hot mug of tea. Hey, maybe this is why our British friends always offer us a cup of tea in times of crisis!

Step two: gentle touch. Have you ever seen a public speaker tug nervously on their earlobe? This isn’t just a tic! Gentle touch is a tried and true method of Self-soothing. You can give yourself a hug, or slowly stroke your upper arms. When she feels anxious, one of my clients like to hold her own hand and run her thumb over her knuckles.

Step three: soothing vocalization. Did you know there’s a universal sound of compassion? You’ll definitely need to listen along for this one. Even when you’re totally alone, you can soothe yourself with this sound. Aaaahhh. I feel better already.

Self Compassion Resources

Let’s make 2018 the year of Self Compassion. Here are some resources to get you on the right track for January and beyond!

Dr. Kristin Neff wrote a book called Self-Compassion: the Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. Her July, 2012 article in Psychology Today is an excellent starting point. You can read it here.

Brene Brown and Tara Brach each have books on the subject of Self-compassion. Tara Brach also has an insightful guided video meditation called “the Rain of Self-Compassion.” Finally, I encourage you to visit the online Center for Mindful Self-Compassion for support, training, and more!

As always, thank you for joining me this week. Until next time!

Image Credit

“Peace to the world” by Flickr user Thomas Rousing, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

Welcome back to the Therapy Spot, everyone! This week, I’m pleased to welcome back my friend and colleague, Susan Reyland. Susan is a clinical and developmental psychologist who works in Denver, Colorado. Our friendship began when we met at an IFS conference, and Susan offered me a glass of water.

In Susan’s own words, “I believe that people are fundamentally motivated toward growth and connection. The work in my psychotherapy practice involves removing the obstacles that keep us from achieving satisfying relationships with others, ourselves and our work. Whether the obstacle is an unprocessed trauma or maladaptive thoughts leading to anxiety and depression, managing these obstacles promotes personal growth and increased happiness.”

I have been fortunate enough to have Susan guest on my podcast three times before. This time, we discussed something a lot of us are bad at: saying no.

Why is Saying No So Hard?

Saying no just feels wrong sometimes, doesn’t it? You might even start to hear the theme music from Jaws in your head if you even think about saying no to someone you love! A part of us believes that something terrible will happen if we say no.

According to Susan, we need two essential things to be happy:

1. The ability to meet our own needs
2. Security in our relationships

How do these two things go together? Essentially, it means you feel confident that your friends won’t abandon you simply for saying no.

Just to be clear: Susan doesn’t think we should do whatever we want, whenever we want, no matter how anyone else feels. Rather, she wants to help people navigate those daily interactions where they can either say “yes” — and make someone else comfortable — or say “no” — and make themselves comfortable.

“Comfort” is key here, because these decisions make us very uncomfortable. So, how do we transition out of that habitual, shark music thinking, and into a place where we feel more comfortable saying no?

Yes or No? Ask These 4 Questions

Let’s walk through a hypothetical scenario with a friend where you want to say no, but feel like you should say yes. In this situation, you’ve had a long week and you’re looking forward to a quiet Friday night at home. Then, your friend calls and begs you to go to a party with her.

Here are four questions to ask yourself as you decide what to do next. When we ask these questions, we move from the middle of the situation, to thinking about the situation. Just by getting curious, we step back from all the emotions, and feel less reactive.

Question number one: Who owns this problem? In this example, it’s your friend. She doesn’t want to go to the party alone.

Question number two: Is this a need, or a want? This one can be tricky! Often we use both of these words interchangeably. Does your friend simply want your company, or does she need you by her side?

Question number three: Am I the only one who could fix this problem? Sometimes, we forget that people have many resources — not just us. Maybe your friend could call someone else.

Question number four: Will I feel burdened or resentful if I say yes when I really want to say no? Resentment can poison an otherwise healthy relationship.

“The Truth Comes in Short Sentences”

I know some of my listeners out there have been in “people pleasing” mode for most of their lives. How do you get comfortable doing this? Remember this piece of advice from Susan: “the truth comes in short sentences.”

In our scenario up above, your short sentences might sound like this. “I’m sorry, [friend]. I’m just too tired tonight. I won’t be able to help you out this time.” Write them down. Read them aloud. Feel the words, hear how they sound.

And then… Say them to your friend. If your friend pushes back, keep saying your truth. You might hear some shark-music after you hang up the phone, and that’s okay. Prepare for this with some more short sentences, this time ones to say to yourself. “I’m fine. My friend is fine. Our friendship is fine.”

Reassure yourself. In a healthy relationship, asking for what you want should get easier with time. That doesn’t always mean things will go your way — just that you will feel less anxiety about asking.

The Road Ahead

Susan, thank you again for returning to the Therapy Spot to share your wisdom with us! I want all of you reading and listening to remember that sometimes, saying no can make your relationship even stronger. When you work to meet your own needs, you’ll feel better in yourself, and be better with those you love.

I hope you have all had a wonderful holiday. As December draws to a close, let’s look ahead. Together, we can make 2018 the year of Self compassion.

Image Credit

“JUST SAY NO” by Flickr user marc falardeau, licensed under CC BY 2.0.

 

Hello, listeners, and welcome back to the Therapy Spot. On this week’s episode, I spoke with Amy Grabowski, MA, LCPC, ATR. As the Director and Founder of The Awakening Center, she helps clients suffering from eating disorders. Specifically, she uses the IFS lens as a way for her clients to understand and begin the healing process. She recently authored An IFS Guide to Recovery from Eating Disorders: Healing Part by Part.

“Having experienced recovery myself, I can empathize with the difficulties that my clients face during recovery. I know that eating disorders are not about food, eating or weight. Eating disorders stem from a lack of a sense of self which causes one to feel empty, defective and out of control of life. Using a holistic approach, I help my clients recover their true sense of self and learn to honor, even love, the person they were meant to be.”

The holidays can be an extremely difficult time for anyone currently dealing with an eating disorder. Whether that’s you, or someone you care about, I hope Amy’s insights will provide you with a sense of peace and understanding.

What Do Eating Disorders Feel Like?

Many of you listening may not personally struggle with an eating disorder, but maybe you know someone who does. Maybe the whole idea of an eating disorder feels foreign and unthinkable to you. So what do eating disorders feel like? Amy uses an evocative analogy to explain the reality to her clients’ loved ones:

“Having an eating disorder is like being a passenger in the back of a rickety old school bus full of people. Some are angry, some are crying, some are fearful. The bus careens down a curving mountain road, late at night, in a blinding thunderstorm. Feel that, inside your body. How does that feel?”

“Then you look forward down the bus and realize there’s no driver! There’s no Self driving the bus. Somehow, by fate, karma, kismet — somehow the bus made it around the last curve. Here comes another curve, and you’re not sure you’re going to make it. So you grab onto something, anything — and this is where the eating disorder behavior comes in.”

“So what would you do?”

By and large, people tend to answer that they would try to get into the driver’s seat. Once you’re in the driver’s seat, of course, you can slow down. You can take the drive one curve at a time, one decision at a time.

This is exactly what Amy helps her clients do.

Eating Disorders and Anxiety

Did you notice what Amy didn’t mention in her analogy? She didn’t say a word about weight, about food, or eating, or even body image.

A lot of the conversation about eating disorders tends to revolve around the concept of food and weight. In actuality, however, eating disorders are a subset of anxiety disorders. Anxiety may be universal, but we all handle and process anxiety differently. The behaviors and symptoms of eating disorders are an attempt to calm body, mind, and spirit.

What makes someone lean towards these behaviors as a way to handle anxiety? According to Amy, the root lies with “a sacrifice of sense of self.” Past trauma lends a hand in this sacrifice, as does a sensitive nature.

Survivors of big-T Trauma such as physical or sexual abuse may feel unsafe in their own bodies. People with little-t trauma like neglect, ridicule, or humiliation may fall back on these behaviors in order to please others.

Regardless of the root cause, this “chips away at the Self. [Over time], it …makes a hole where the Self should be.”

Treating Eating Disorders With IFS

Amy uses a slight “twist” on the traditional IFS language. You may be familiar with the three main categories of parts: managers, firefighters, and exiles. Amy reclassifies these parts so that each exists on a spectrum from balanced and healthy, to extreme and unhealthy.

What does this look like? Well, first off, manager parts can be mentors or bullies. A mentor inspires you to take action, while a bully shames and ridicules you into it. Firefighter parts can advocates or troublemakers. Advocates speak for your needs in a reasonable way, while a troublemaker wants you to feel better at all costs. Finally, exiles can be kids or exiles. A kid part is easy to listen to a sympathize with, but exiles get, well, exiled! The Self, of course, is the “Wise one within.”

When it comes to helping her clients with eating disorders, Amy’s goals of IFS therapy are as follows:

1. Develop a strong sense of self
2. Parts need to feel heard, appreciated, taken care of
3. Unburden young parts
4. Healing must be emotional & physical
   1. Healing happens in the Limbic system of the brain
5. Calm down Bullies – turn them into ally managers/Mentors
6. Help Troublemakers tolerate uncomfortable feelings & learn effective coping skills
7. “Slow down the bus” and work towards meditative, mindful awareness

Ultimately, Amy wants her clients to get in touch with their benevolent, kind, warm, and compassionate Self. This “wise one within” offers unconditional positive acceptance and regard.

A Few Final Words About Eating Disorders

The National Eating Disorder Association of the US estimates that as many as 70 million people worldwide likely suffer from eating disorders. They affect people of every gender, age, race, ethnicity, and economic bracket. That means it’s very likely some of you listening may be dealing with this now — or you know someone who is.

I want you to know that you’re not alone. While only one in ten sufferers seek treatment on average, sixty percent of those who do make a full recovery. You are worth the journey towards recovery.

Thank you so much, as always, for listening. Until next time.