We have many partnerships throughout our lives. It is in these partnerships where we practice and learn how to be in an evolving, long-term relationship. This is not something we just know. We learn it through living, through our work colleagues, close friends, siblings, parents, and of course, our primary love relationship. Relationships have their cycles of connection and disconnection. Striving for that positive flow and connection where home is a haven is the goal.

However, often we believe it is out of our control and we cannot make a difference because of the other person. Until you are sure you have shown all of yourself in your relationship, especially the good parts in times of trouble, then the opportunity to make a difference is still alive. Become a leader of yourself in those times: become a Self leader.

Becoming a Self leader means you will discover how to be a better partner by accessing your own natural qualities of compassion, calmness, curiosity connection, confidence, courage and creativity. When you become more aware of your inner world, which is made up of many parts each accompanied by different emotions and things you tell yourself, you will then have more ability to lead with the best of yourself. You can then choose the parts of yourself that might be needed to connect with your partner during more difficult times.

All relationships have times when the communication seems to break down and no one is listening. It is important to look at your personal tools and add to that toolbox, so you can communicate even in more emotional times.

We all want to be seen and heard. Begin by knowing you can always give better back by choosing to stay with your naturally good qualities, and that if you are feeling extremely emotional about the interaction than your own personal history is probably showing up to interfere. You can work on yourself and not your partner. Your partner is not the enemy. The change needs to begin with you. Your partner is responsible for doing his or her own personal work.

Giving clear feedback is very important when you feel moderately frustrated with your partner. When those very strong reacting parts are not so noisy then give feedback so needed adjustments can be made. Making adjustments in your committed relationship can help you and your partner become a better fit. When you can give feedback to your partner in a clear confident, connected and compassionate way, you have done your part well. Your relationship can evolve so that the fit is better for all.

You can feel the satisfaction of staying connected in a loving way although you are showing your differences, regardless of your partner’s reaction. You have focused on you, improved yourself and changed the cycle. You’ve made a U-turn: you are a winner!